Talking to the void

Sitting on my back deck looking out at my gardens from the shade of the table umbrella on this Labor Day, Monday, I am both mourning the end of summer but also looking forward to cooler weather. While Labor Day, in the US, is a well-deserved recognition of people’s efforts, I find it very interesting how important one’s job is in this country. When meeting someone, “So, what do you do?” is one of the first five questions asked, if not the very first. You are then put in a box in their mind and judged accordingly. And this is an area in which I struggle.

My husband and I made the decision years ago for me to leave the workforce and stay home with our girls. While I know I am very fortunate to be able to afford to make this decision, I battle with not having an independent identity. When I say I’m a stay-at-home mom, I feel judged negatively, as if I have nothing to contribute to the conversation.

My inner critic, Julie, reminds me that I am nothing without some successful employment endeavor. With pride, I watch my friends reach the pinnacle of their careers. Becoming the top in their field, and I am embarrassed to say I am a bit jealous. I am not proud of this jealousy. It is an outward appearance I am craving. I am wanting the accolades and respect from people who don’t know me. This is a complete lack of self-esteem. It is as if a title would give me respect and permission to like myself.

“Not to mention,” Julie will continue, “you didn’t do the greatest job at being a mom.” It’s true. I missed the learning disabilities my elder daughter has. While I instinctively knew something wasn’t right for her, I didn’t listen to the neuropsychologist when she was diagnosed with ADHD and NLD. I read the books regarding these disabilities, but, at the time, the diagnosis didn’t ring true for me. I couldn’t see it in her. So, while I tried to get her accommodations at school, I didn’t honestly know how to help her. Unfortunately, she struggled and eventually ended up with OCD and an eating disorder, both of which she still struggles. I blame myself entirely. Had I listened, had I gotten support, had I given her the tools to cope, maybe she wouldn’t have to struggle.

The rational part of me will have lengthy, heated debates with Julie.

“Having a job outside the house isn’t all it’s cracked up to be,” I tell myself. “I can be there for my girls when they need me. As well as keeping the household running efficiently.”

“Yea? So does everyone else, AND they have a job.” She will reply

“I have been able to do many interesting things, such as start a cookie company, run an online shop, and learn photography,” I’ll counter.

With a sneer, she will remind me, “Were you successful at any of those things?”

Yup, she wins the debate. I hate her.

The reality is that being a mom is a hard job. There is no end to the day. There are no vacations, only changes of location. As parents, we do our best with what we have to work with. We aren’t perfect, and the job has no standard operating procedures. This Labor Day, I will be proud of my two beautiful, smart, healthy, loving girls and revel in a job well done despite what Julie says.